I wrote this a couple of years ago at a tough time of intense change, grief and reckoning. I was lying in bed one morning, unable to move and feeling like I was falling apart. I remember having a conversation with life that went something like: Okay, life, if this is what you want from me, then I’m up for it. But I can’t do this on my own. I need help. Really good help, and you better get busy with sending it to me.
In that moment, I chose to love life and let it love me back. Help did indeed begin to arrive in the most divinely amazing ways, and because I had asked, I recognised it when it did and seized that help with all my gratitude.
The next few months were tough, and they asked everything of me. I kept crumbling, and at the same time, I kept saying yes to life. In a way, I had to fall apart even more so that life could get in to all the deep places and shine its magic from the inside out. But because I had asked, I trusted and surrendered, and I did what was required.
I wrote this a few months later…
***
Love is ever-expansive.
Love flows in ever-increasing waves and always returns to itself. Pain, fear, hatred, jealousy, despair are all ways to return to love. You can hide, but you can never unchoose love. In the unchoosing of anything other than love, there is power, courage and conviction. If you stand in this place and move towards your destiny from this place, then mountains dissolve, rivers part and rainbows beckon you onwards.
When pain is love
Sometimes the light entering me is like being contracted by the universe. There is pain, pain so deep it rips me in half. A magnificent pain that destroys and recreates relentlessly. Like I am in god’s womb, and each breath happens at the edge of violent ecstasy. My heart explodes, my bones ache, my soul trembles – lurches, steadies and finds itself again.
Be held by love
Let go, let be. Let time and separateness dissolve. Run towards hurt – dive into it, swim in its darkness and use its power to deepen into more love. Swim deeper. Feel your cells vibrating, your hurt loosening and allowing more love than you’ve ever dared. Surrender and let love hold you. There you go.
Become love
Call on love to fill your heart and be a place to rest your head. Say yes, and let love do the rest. The light is around you and in you and is you. Lead with love, and love will follow. Love is waiting for you to lead. Thy will is light and love. Say yes. You will never be the same, but You will never change. Keep saying yes. Even as you crumble, You remain. Keep crumbling into love. You are both divine and human. In the hologram of existence, all is seamless.